So I’ve been told I at times behave more alpha than beta. That kind of surprises me, considering the low amount of self-esteem and high amount of anxiety with which I have gone through much of life. But then, it also makes sense. I have put a tremendous amount of energy into becoming unstuck from the situations I found myself in. I’ve discovered it’s possible to get a lot more of the things I want out of life than I previously thought possible. I’ve had to learn how to not be shy, to express myself, and to be assertive. Of course, I’ve had to learn many other aspects of social interaction as well, but those relate specifically to being alpha.
But sometimes I just really don’t feel it. Perhaps I am just a follower at heart. I get tired of the game, of the energy required. I want a relationship, a few good friends, and I want to settle down. That’s it. As long as I’m looked after and cared for, I’ll be content.
I get tired of meeting new people, new events, new places. I get tired of change and impermanence. I want a small group of people and some meaningful work I can devote myself to. That’s human nature, I suspect. When I do something for someone, that’s when I feel motivated. When I do something for myself, so what? But I need reciprocity. I need to know that I am valued and cared for. Everyone needs friendships like that.
