So I’ve been told I at times behave more alpha than beta. That kind of surprises me, considering the low amount of self-esteem and high amount of anxiety with which I have gone through much of life. But then, it also makes sense. I have put a tremendous amount of energy into becoming unstuck from the situations I found myself in. I’ve discovered it’s possible to get a lot more of the things I want out of life than I previously thought possible. I’ve had to learn how to not be shy, to express myself, and to be assertive. Of course, I’ve had to learn many other aspects of social interaction as well, but those relate specifically to being alpha.
But sometimes I just really don’t feel it. Perhaps I am just a follower at heart. I get tired of the game, of the energy required. I want a relationship, a few good friends, and I want to settle down. That’s it. As long as I’m looked after and cared for, I’ll be content.
I get tired of meeting new people, new events, new places. I get tired of change and impermanence. I want a small group of people and some meaningful work I can devote myself to. That’s human nature, I suspect. When I do something for someone, that’s when I feel motivated. When I do something for myself, so what? But I need reciprocity. I need to know that I am valued and cared for. Everyone needs friendships like that.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
What I do not accept
I think I’ve always had an aversion to power. Our culture is replete with power structures and power structures are ingrained since early childhood. But there are certain concepts I simply never accepted. They just didn’t pass muster. Ever.
I never accepted:
-that I was inherently bad or born bad or tainted or defiled or not whole as a matter of consequence such that I would need to impose internal order on myself in order to become whole or pure or good.
-that human nature is fundamentally corrupt or perverse or bad.
-that there is such distinctions as good and evil.
-that an absolutist reward/punishment structure (heaven and hell) is a healthy belief to internalize.
-that morality cannot exist separate an external authority.
-that compassion and empathy would not exist separate an externally imposed moral framework.
-that I need to be saved.
-that I should not trust myself.
The last one especially society presses very hard against. Society, as a corollary to damaging our self-trust, works to separate our mind-body connection. The mind-body connection is one of my new favorite interests and one which I believe is necessary to a whole, integrated person.
Society wishes us to rely on external feedback systems rather than well-balanced internal mechanisms. Society is also highly authoritarian in its methods, science just as much so as religion.
The human organism is built for external feedback however and the feedback received goes a long way in influencing each individual. Humans are also built to need guidance. This can make self-trust difficult when social norms are rejected. It poses an ultimatum: go it alone or abdicate self-trust. Neither is an appropriate or healthy option for an individual.
And herein lies the problem of authoritarian structures. But when people in such structures do reject social norms, they become adrift and prone to strong attachments. This can lead to surrender and total abdication of self-trust, despite oneself.
I have been through periods of such abdication and I’ve had widely varying amounts of self-worth. I am starting to come to a more complete understanding of the whole issue, but I am still at a loss as to what is to be done. That is something I will continue to explore.
I never accepted:
-that I was inherently bad or born bad or tainted or defiled or not whole as a matter of consequence such that I would need to impose internal order on myself in order to become whole or pure or good.
-that human nature is fundamentally corrupt or perverse or bad.
-that there is such distinctions as good and evil.
-that an absolutist reward/punishment structure (heaven and hell) is a healthy belief to internalize.
-that morality cannot exist separate an external authority.
-that compassion and empathy would not exist separate an externally imposed moral framework.
-that I need to be saved.
-that I should not trust myself.
The last one especially society presses very hard against. Society, as a corollary to damaging our self-trust, works to separate our mind-body connection. The mind-body connection is one of my new favorite interests and one which I believe is necessary to a whole, integrated person.
Society wishes us to rely on external feedback systems rather than well-balanced internal mechanisms. Society is also highly authoritarian in its methods, science just as much so as religion.
The human organism is built for external feedback however and the feedback received goes a long way in influencing each individual. Humans are also built to need guidance. This can make self-trust difficult when social norms are rejected. It poses an ultimatum: go it alone or abdicate self-trust. Neither is an appropriate or healthy option for an individual.
And herein lies the problem of authoritarian structures. But when people in such structures do reject social norms, they become adrift and prone to strong attachments. This can lead to surrender and total abdication of self-trust, despite oneself.
I have been through periods of such abdication and I’ve had widely varying amounts of self-worth. I am starting to come to a more complete understanding of the whole issue, but I am still at a loss as to what is to be done. That is something I will continue to explore.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Visions of D
There are different analogies that can be made to the modern world. The Matrix is perhaps one of the most apt and popular. But my favorite… the one that has always stuck in my mind… is Leviathan. To me it conjures up simultaneous images of every sort of industrial complex: military-industrial, agricultural-industrial, educational-industrial, medical-industrial. It conjures images of a corporate capitalist system that relies on heavy government favoritism to maintain its dominance. It conjures images of a system that is ultimately destructive and extractive without producing much, if any, real wealth. It makes me think of passive submission and unawareness. It makes me think of clandestine control. And that’s the real issue with Leviathan: inescapability.
Those are issues I care to explore in my real blog, but here I present the idea. And make no mistake; Leviathan does wish to be inescapable. Anytime somebody wants to “opt out” in some fashion, there are suddenly an inordinate amount of laws and regulations. The challenge for those of us living today is to find some form of meaningful work and attempt to rebuild something that has been all but obliterated.
I don’t accept passivity and I don’t accept passive, consumptive culture. My life has been a fight for things that feel like they’re lacking but shouldn’t be. The more self-aware and worldly-aware I become, the more I learn there are reasons for this. Leviathan is taking away.
So whence this Leviathan? It is the vision of D. Not “I have a dream” vision, but “I see dead people” vision. As in… she really did see it. But I am telling you this story third-hand. D is nobody I knew personally. It is simply a story of a friend recounted by localroger as a potent introduction to his article on the history of American education. See the article here, and read especially the two paragraphs on D. I am not so concerned here with the views of John Taylor Gatto (In fact I have yet to read his work). I am just concerned with D and her vision.
And so I make use of it again, as a potent introduction to all the things I wish to share and discuss and perhaps change, or at least provide support and some semblance of escape. May we all have the sanity to see clearly the vision of D but also may we have the fortitude to stand against such a challenge.
Those are issues I care to explore in my real blog, but here I present the idea. And make no mistake; Leviathan does wish to be inescapable. Anytime somebody wants to “opt out” in some fashion, there are suddenly an inordinate amount of laws and regulations. The challenge for those of us living today is to find some form of meaningful work and attempt to rebuild something that has been all but obliterated.
I don’t accept passivity and I don’t accept passive, consumptive culture. My life has been a fight for things that feel like they’re lacking but shouldn’t be. The more self-aware and worldly-aware I become, the more I learn there are reasons for this. Leviathan is taking away.
So whence this Leviathan? It is the vision of D. Not “I have a dream” vision, but “I see dead people” vision. As in… she really did see it. But I am telling you this story third-hand. D is nobody I knew personally. It is simply a story of a friend recounted by localroger as a potent introduction to his article on the history of American education. See the article here, and read especially the two paragraphs on D. I am not so concerned here with the views of John Taylor Gatto (In fact I have yet to read his work). I am just concerned with D and her vision.
And so I make use of it again, as a potent introduction to all the things I wish to share and discuss and perhaps change, or at least provide support and some semblance of escape. May we all have the sanity to see clearly the vision of D but also may we have the fortitude to stand against such a challenge.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Second Life: First Impressions
So I’ve finally gone and checked out Second Life and I’m a little less than impressed. I get the model of interaction and a movement towards an online realm which is sort of the techno-dream of the early internet. But I have a problem with all these online worlds, whether they be Facebook, World of Warcraft, or Second Life. That is they don’t bring us closer together.
At least I don’t think so. Real human interaction is a rare and difficult thing. Well actually it shouldn’t be but it seems like it sometimes. It requires friendships and relationships that have been built slowly over time. I get concerned with things that feel like throw away culture or may promote loose or easily shifting allegiences.
To be fair, I know I am too much of a Luddite. I resisted cell phones at first and am now resisting the Google and iPhones. My thing is I want to know how a technology is directly useful. Cell phones have proven themselves useful not only in personal relationships but also in much broader areas as well. I don’t feel like there’s much contention in that. But Facebook I am still resistant to. Facebook to me feels like a stand in for real human interaction. In fact, I think too much reliance on Facebook would tend to leave one feeling more isolated and I know friends that resist it for this reason. Much has been written about the social impact of Facebook so I don’t want to go too much into it here. There are ways, I’m sure, Facebook can be useful but I’ve found it to be limiting and often annoying.
But there’s another thing about Second Life I don’t like, and that’s the avatar. Second Life clearly bills itself as the solution to whatever’s lacking in normal life. And yes, I think the avatars look like pseudo-porn. My spidey sense tells me this is just going to lead to people having a lower overall sense of self-worth. But oh well. I guess TV’s already doing this. Not that I watch much of it.
At least I don’t think so. Real human interaction is a rare and difficult thing. Well actually it shouldn’t be but it seems like it sometimes. It requires friendships and relationships that have been built slowly over time. I get concerned with things that feel like throw away culture or may promote loose or easily shifting allegiences.
To be fair, I know I am too much of a Luddite. I resisted cell phones at first and am now resisting the Google and iPhones. My thing is I want to know how a technology is directly useful. Cell phones have proven themselves useful not only in personal relationships but also in much broader areas as well. I don’t feel like there’s much contention in that. But Facebook I am still resistant to. Facebook to me feels like a stand in for real human interaction. In fact, I think too much reliance on Facebook would tend to leave one feeling more isolated and I know friends that resist it for this reason. Much has been written about the social impact of Facebook so I don’t want to go too much into it here. There are ways, I’m sure, Facebook can be useful but I’ve found it to be limiting and often annoying.
But there’s another thing about Second Life I don’t like, and that’s the avatar. Second Life clearly bills itself as the solution to whatever’s lacking in normal life. And yes, I think the avatars look like pseudo-porn. My spidey sense tells me this is just going to lead to people having a lower overall sense of self-worth. But oh well. I guess TV’s already doing this. Not that I watch much of it.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Every Two Weeks
Every Two Weeks
Cultural diversity is analogous to biodiversity. They are two sides of the same coin. One concerns memes, the other concerns genes. Some people are aware there is a tremendous loss of biodiversity occurring right now. Some fewer are aware there is a similar loss occurring of cultural diversity. Many people would say, “so what”? So what indeed. I would say that loss of cultural diversity vies with loss of biodiversity as one of the top threats our species faces.
Twenty years ago, Ken Hale who was a linguist…
He said that of the six-thousand languages spoken on Earth right now, three-thousand aren’t spoken by the children, so that in one generation, we’re going to halve our cultural diversity.
He went on to say that every two weeks, an elder goes to the grave, carrying the last spoken word of that culture.
So, an entire philosophy, a body of knowledge about the natural world that has been empirically gleaned over centuries, goes away.
And this happens every two weeks.
http://ocrmirror.iiens.net/files/music/remixes/Chrono_Trigger_Corridor_of_Time_(Time_Warp_Mix)_OC_ReMix.mp3
Cultural diversity is analogous to biodiversity. They are two sides of the same coin. One concerns memes, the other concerns genes. Some people are aware there is a tremendous loss of biodiversity occurring right now. Some fewer are aware there is a similar loss occurring of cultural diversity. Many people would say, “so what”? So what indeed. I would say that loss of cultural diversity vies with loss of biodiversity as one of the top threats our species faces.
Twenty years ago, Ken Hale who was a linguist…
He said that of the six-thousand languages spoken on Earth right now, three-thousand aren’t spoken by the children, so that in one generation, we’re going to halve our cultural diversity.
He went on to say that every two weeks, an elder goes to the grave, carrying the last spoken word of that culture.
So, an entire philosophy, a body of knowledge about the natural world that has been empirically gleaned over centuries, goes away.
And this happens every two weeks.
http://ocrmirror.iiens.net/files/music/remixes/Chrono_Trigger_Corridor_of_Time_(Time_Warp_Mix)_OC_ReMix.mp3
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Secondest post: Jon Gabriel, the Guru Papers, and Diamond Way Meditation
Who is Jon Gabriel? What are the Guru Papers? And what is Diamond Way Meditation? Well very simply:
Jon Gabriel is a former Wall Street burnout who gained over 200 pounds living a stressful life and doing work he hated. Somehow he got clued in, changed his life and developed a diet-free mind-body approach to weight loss. He’s been able to achieve and stay at his ideal weight for years, although his weight loss was initially not rapid. He has since written a book on his weight loss strategy: The Gabriel Method.
The Guru Papers is a book on the hidden structures of authoritarian power in society. Although it covers many aspects of modern life, the book is titled after the Guru/disciple relationship common to Eastern religions.
Diamond Way is a style of Buddhism that specifically uses Guru Yoga (meditation on a teacher) as the fastest way to enlightenment. Diamond Way Buddhism relies heavily and specifically on a Lama (or Guru) as a living example and is thus supposedly the fastest way to enlightenment.
The reason I got the Guru Papers was to evaluate my connection with the Diamond Way group of which I am a member. The reason I got the Gabriel Method is because I’m a big fan of Matt Stone and his 180 Degree Health website. Matt, like many others, like myself, wants real understanding of health and nutrition and Jon Gabriel’s been a hot topic on his blog lately.
I’ve been not doing my Diamond Way meditations for a while now. I get this way every once in a while. A period of pulling back. A period of assessment. The Guru Papers is a good book. I recommend it to anyone looking to build self trust. It’s fascinating too. But the weakest chapter I have read so far is “Oneness, Enlightenment, and the Mystical Experience”. The authors seem to have a pretty fair grasp of Tibetan Buddhism including many of the contradictions. But then they credited themselves for pointing out these contradictions, rather than citing the Buddhist teachings themselves. For example, they identify the experience of unity (as experienced in Diamond Way meditation) as separate from the dualistic concept of Oneness, as conveyed by the teachings. And thus they point out that ironically this dualistic concept is trying to describe something non-dualistic. What they don’t point out is how non-dualism is supposed to be conveyed using the structures of thoughts, words, and language. Hence the Diamond Way reliance on direct transmission through experience. They also describe the experience of unity as useful but again, don’t state much on how to achieve or apply it without the context of some broader teachings.
So how does this bring me to Jon Gabriel? Well, I’ve been interested in various aspects of the mind-body connection lately. Another example is the book Sound Sleep, Sound Mind, which I recently picked up to help with my insomnia. Like The Gabriel Method, it recommends specific visualization techniques that are very similar to meditation. The intention of each book is different, but the approaches are very similar. Each book also goes somewhat into the science of the mind-body connection but I know enough to know that mindset and stress levels have a very strong connection with hormones and there is definite feedback loop there with the body. Anyway, insomnia and overweight are just two possible symptoms of a mind-body system out of whack.
But what really caught me was trying out the visualization techniques described by Jon Gabriel. One of them was very like the Loving Eyes (Chenrezig) meditation, except with less imagery. He also described the different stages of brain waves that the brain enters into, when it is more open to suggestion. His point is that that is when you communicate with yourself and your body about what you want in your life. He leaves it open ended to sort of let yourself “program” whatever beliefs you want. But when I tried this myself, and then let the things I felt like saying come up in while in this state, I started thinking things like “everything is perfect and pure”, “all beings are Buddhas”, or “all thoughts are wisdom”. Oops… guess I started doing Diamond Way meditation.
So I guess my point is, if my own approach to establishing a mind-body balance culminates in something very similar to Diamond Way meditation, what was the point that the Guru Papers was trying to convey? I was going to pull some quotes, contrasting the Guru Papers with Lama Ole, but it would be too much effort to try and find good quotes at the moment.
Specifically though, the Guru Papers keeps talking about how the Tibetan Buddhist teachings keep structuring things in this either/or framework. But in The Great Seal, Lama Ole repeatedly brings up moving past the either/or worldview into the both/and. I.e. both enlightened and not enlightened. Both existing and not existing. Both emptiness and form. But anyways… I digress.
Jon Gabriel is a former Wall Street burnout who gained over 200 pounds living a stressful life and doing work he hated. Somehow he got clued in, changed his life and developed a diet-free mind-body approach to weight loss. He’s been able to achieve and stay at his ideal weight for years, although his weight loss was initially not rapid. He has since written a book on his weight loss strategy: The Gabriel Method.
The Guru Papers is a book on the hidden structures of authoritarian power in society. Although it covers many aspects of modern life, the book is titled after the Guru/disciple relationship common to Eastern religions.
Diamond Way is a style of Buddhism that specifically uses Guru Yoga (meditation on a teacher) as the fastest way to enlightenment. Diamond Way Buddhism relies heavily and specifically on a Lama (or Guru) as a living example and is thus supposedly the fastest way to enlightenment.
The reason I got the Guru Papers was to evaluate my connection with the Diamond Way group of which I am a member. The reason I got the Gabriel Method is because I’m a big fan of Matt Stone and his 180 Degree Health website. Matt, like many others, like myself, wants real understanding of health and nutrition and Jon Gabriel’s been a hot topic on his blog lately.
I’ve been not doing my Diamond Way meditations for a while now. I get this way every once in a while. A period of pulling back. A period of assessment. The Guru Papers is a good book. I recommend it to anyone looking to build self trust. It’s fascinating too. But the weakest chapter I have read so far is “Oneness, Enlightenment, and the Mystical Experience”. The authors seem to have a pretty fair grasp of Tibetan Buddhism including many of the contradictions. But then they credited themselves for pointing out these contradictions, rather than citing the Buddhist teachings themselves. For example, they identify the experience of unity (as experienced in Diamond Way meditation) as separate from the dualistic concept of Oneness, as conveyed by the teachings. And thus they point out that ironically this dualistic concept is trying to describe something non-dualistic. What they don’t point out is how non-dualism is supposed to be conveyed using the structures of thoughts, words, and language. Hence the Diamond Way reliance on direct transmission through experience. They also describe the experience of unity as useful but again, don’t state much on how to achieve or apply it without the context of some broader teachings.
So how does this bring me to Jon Gabriel? Well, I’ve been interested in various aspects of the mind-body connection lately. Another example is the book Sound Sleep, Sound Mind, which I recently picked up to help with my insomnia. Like The Gabriel Method, it recommends specific visualization techniques that are very similar to meditation. The intention of each book is different, but the approaches are very similar. Each book also goes somewhat into the science of the mind-body connection but I know enough to know that mindset and stress levels have a very strong connection with hormones and there is definite feedback loop there with the body. Anyway, insomnia and overweight are just two possible symptoms of a mind-body system out of whack.
But what really caught me was trying out the visualization techniques described by Jon Gabriel. One of them was very like the Loving Eyes (Chenrezig) meditation, except with less imagery. He also described the different stages of brain waves that the brain enters into, when it is more open to suggestion. His point is that that is when you communicate with yourself and your body about what you want in your life. He leaves it open ended to sort of let yourself “program” whatever beliefs you want. But when I tried this myself, and then let the things I felt like saying come up in while in this state, I started thinking things like “everything is perfect and pure”, “all beings are Buddhas”, or “all thoughts are wisdom”. Oops… guess I started doing Diamond Way meditation.
So I guess my point is, if my own approach to establishing a mind-body balance culminates in something very similar to Diamond Way meditation, what was the point that the Guru Papers was trying to convey? I was going to pull some quotes, contrasting the Guru Papers with Lama Ole, but it would be too much effort to try and find good quotes at the moment.
Specifically though, the Guru Papers keeps talking about how the Tibetan Buddhist teachings keep structuring things in this either/or framework. But in The Great Seal, Lama Ole repeatedly brings up moving past the either/or worldview into the both/and. I.e. both enlightened and not enlightened. Both existing and not existing. Both emptiness and form. But anyways… I digress.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
firstest post
He had to be at his computer. He had to write. What about he did not know. So much time spent musterbating. I think… I think… says he; I think I need to re-establish my mind-body connection.
I was tired today at work. I don’t know if you know what it’s like to work in the computer industry. Most likely it’s similar in other industries. Imagine this though. Imagine you’ve got some client, or some potential clients, waiting on you. Imagine you’re trying to get a project out the door, but before you do so, you’re trying to get it to a reasonable degree of stability. Imagine a device that’s unimaginably complex. Imagine interfacing with software you don’t fully understand. Imagine tools that are highly sophisticated but sometimes flaky. Imagine spending hours trying to determine why the device is acting a certain way. Imagine spending hours working through a full test suite only to find out at the end a major piece of functionality is non-functional.
Ok so welcome to my new blog, where I will unwind and write about the day and waste my time. Yay!
I was tired today at work. I don’t know if you know what it’s like to work in the computer industry. Most likely it’s similar in other industries. Imagine this though. Imagine you’ve got some client, or some potential clients, waiting on you. Imagine you’re trying to get a project out the door, but before you do so, you’re trying to get it to a reasonable degree of stability. Imagine a device that’s unimaginably complex. Imagine interfacing with software you don’t fully understand. Imagine tools that are highly sophisticated but sometimes flaky. Imagine spending hours trying to determine why the device is acting a certain way. Imagine spending hours working through a full test suite only to find out at the end a major piece of functionality is non-functional.
Ok so welcome to my new blog, where I will unwind and write about the day and waste my time. Yay!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)